Sunday, 26 October 2008

[Turtlewind] Dating Advice

Being quite the Caligula with the ladies, I feel it prudent to offer my own dating advice for those who are not blessed with my own skills in wooing the opposite sex. So below is my guide, furnished from literally years of experience and lawsuits.

1 – Ask her out
There are many ways to attract girls. In nature, animals try to attract the opposite sex with massive displays. Some monkeys have bright red behinds to woo their desired mate. So try to strip off and run bum-first at your love, screaming wildly.

Women are psychic. If you mope about all day never talking to them, and moan on internet chat rooms that they’ll never ask you out, then they are sure to appear at your house and sweep you off your feet (if you’re inclined that way). They also LOVE pity. So every time you meet a girl, start to scream that you’re single and that nobody loves you, before breaking down in tears. If this doesn’t work, grab them and kiss them so they know what they’re missing out on. Don’t be afraid of lawsuits at this stage – thank god for that ‘dressing provocatively’ rule!

If that fails, forge a letter from a magazine, telling them that they have won a competition to see their favourite band, and that they should meet them in an abandoned warehouse. Also tell her to bring no weapons. For this to work, first plan out in advance the route the local policemen take.

2 – What to wear
So you’ve ensnared your potential date. Now you need something to wear.

The goth look is good. Perhaps dress all in black with a black top, black trousers, black shoes and a black balaclava. Some fangs can finish off this picture well, especially if you put blood on them (it can be fake, cows blood is quite easy to obtain. If you’re in the country.)

Perhaps you could keep up with current pop culture trends. Terrorism seems to be the in ‘thing’ nowadays, so try meeting your date with a tea-towel over your head. It’s sure to be a conversation piece. Plus if you have a picnic, instant mat!

Trenchcoats are also in, plus they also have room in them to conceal a gun in case she says no.

You could also try on a short skirt. Women dig that kind of thing. Oh, and cat ears on a hairband. Miaow

If you don’t feel like any of these, just try the traditional fallback of dressing as a pirate. Aaar.

3 – What to take
Mmmm, the date could go either way. So take some ‘protection’ (heh heh heh) if it goes right, and also some protection (the gun in the trenchcoat) if it goes badly. Or you mistakenly have asked out a twenty-stone transsexual biker. Or President Bush.

Masking tape is a great thing to take, along with matches. A paper bag to put over your own head if you forgot to shave is also a must.

A good book to read is useful if she is boring. Just start to read the book, and when she tries to speak, just shout “BORING”. Why can’t all women be like Lt Uhura from Star Trek?

4 – Where to go
Some girls like the cinema. Avoid these, that’s expensive. Watching hobos is a thrilling activity more exciting than any movie – because the hobos could get violent. Setting their coats on fire together is a romantic activity – see those whisky-drenched coats light up like an uber-cheap firework display.

Perhaps you could arrange to meet at the library. Because there are plenty of heavy, blunt books which could ‘fall’ on her head, rendering her unresistant to your moves. If your moves include dragging her into the men’s toilets.

Star Trek conventions are WONDERFUL places to go to! A matching pair of Spock ears is a must! (Or a Kirk mask if you’re not too good-looking). Whilst there, you could introduce her to THAT GUY… from Dune… Patrick Stewart. Then perhaps later on, she’ll want to meet your Patrick Stewart.

5 – What to do
You’ve seen Patrick Stewart, you’ve burnt the tramps, what next. Talk about stuff! Girls aren’t like normal people, they like to talk about crap. Here are some subjects with which to trick them:

Kittens. All girls like kittens. Perhaps you can bring a kitten – yay for roadkill

Star Trek – Chicks dig Warp Drives and technical specs.

About all your roleplay game campaigns. Perhaps take along your scoresheets to show her. Tell her how you play a randy half-orc, and personally killed the Devil Priest Hraargoth

She might want to talk about ways to get herself home. Try to divert the conversation away from this via talk of knives

You might also want to ply her with cheap alcohol. I find that girls are far easier when a bottle of vodka is added to them.

6 - End of the night
The date is over. If she hasn’t attempted to run away (and shame on you for not hamstringing her at the first opportunity) you have to say goodbye. Unless she’s really easy (then HURRAH).

Here are some lines you could use to entice her to go home with you

“There’s wolves out there”

“Don’t worry, I have protection. Hur hur hur”

“Did you hear about the last girl who said no to me. They didn’t find her body for a week”

“Want to roleplay being a half Elf mage with ranger proficiencies? Please? I… I’m so alone”

“I know where there are more hobos”


If that fails, always have a fast car ready in reserve. And an alibi. So thanks for reading my guide. If it only helps you half as much as it helped me, then you’ll only get half the sentence! That’s all from me, I’m off on a date with a beautiful barely legal teen who I met over the internet! I’m so excited – we’re going to meet in an old run-down cellar. How romantic!

Your friend (and mine),
The Mysterious Mr Turtlewind

Turtlewind Index

No comments:

Post a Comment