Sunday, 26 October 2008

Star Trek Turtles!

Some days, articles will just write themselves. By far the most popular thing on my site at the moment is the 'Batman's Greatest Boner' article, where I just got some scans, clipped out the funny bits, then put them up with a line of text per picture.

Of course, sometimes just having the pictures in front of me will make me cry and cry and cry for humanity

The year was 1994. Playmates, who had been churning out their ridiculous Star Trek range, was also producing Teenage Mutant Hero Turtle toys (yes, it was 'Hero' for the UK, not 'Ninja', because ninjas were too scary, apparently). From what I can gather, someone got very very drunk and woke up in the morning with a "oh god, what did I do"... and the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtle Star Trek figures were made.

Of course, the Turtle line was always very odd. Given that they only had four main characters to work from, they exhausted most possibilities within the first year or so. Then we got mutating turtles, turtles that span, turtles dressed as super-heros, and turtles with the action feature that their heads could pop into their shells (no, really)

It is no surprise then that eventually this scraping of the barrel combined two franchises with this hideous abomination that no-one ever wanted...

...actually, saying that, I lie slightly. These toys go for stupid amounts, and so I am proud to say that these photos are not mine. Even I have limits. These beauties can go for around £20 - £40 each. Which is utterly ridiculous and furthers my belief that mankind is beyond saving. But anyway, onto the main feature. I have taken blurbs from which is an ace site
Here we have the collection in all its terrible beauty. What's odd is that Playmates rather than recolouring, actually made brand new molds for all these figures, down to the little insignias on the belts and the locks of hair on their heads. Yes, if you are wondering why they look odd, it is because turtles don't have hair. (Of course, turtles generally aren't ninjas either, but boy, do they bite...)
Captain Leonardo
The Wacky Warp Drivin' Leader!
Favorite Episode: "The Menagerie"
Favorite Character: Captain Pike
Reason: His face looks like pepperoni

Ahh-haaaa-haaaa-haaaa-haaaa-haaaa-haaaa-heeee! Captain Leonardo, former leader of the U.S.S. Pepperoni, is now in command of the U.S.S. Enterprise. It's five year mission - to seek out new pizza recipes and boldly go where no pizza lovin' terra Turtle has ever gone before. Captain Leonardo leads his crew at a speed of warp pizza sauce factor 8 on their mission into deep dish space. A mission that should be as easy as a slce of dilithium pizza. Unless, of course, Captain Leonardo detects any space travelin' Foot (or Romulans and Klingons) with his classic Turtle-tech tricorder. And if the space travelin' Foot won't listen to a histrionic plea for humanity, they'll listen to Captain Leonardo's kowabunga classic phaser - one blast and it's instant Foot vapor! And his hi-Trek katana can slice a slit through the fabric of space! Ouch! With back-up from his Star Trek Turtle Teens just a flick of the wrist away, Captain Leonardo is in instant contact with his crew via his cool classic communicator. He can talk to Chief Engineer Michaelangelo, Chief Medical Officer Raphael or First Officer Donatello. And he can relay such critical data, like "Hey, dude, we're outta pizza!" These Mutant mimics made the sewers safe, so now, with Captain Leonardo's help, they're out to make space the pizza frontier!

Okay, obviously this guy is supposed to be Captain Kirk (albeit with more realistic hair). But... look at his bio. He liked Captain Pike because his face looks like pepperoni? Captain Pike was horribly disfigured in a scarring accident. Does that sound... wrong to anyone but me? Sick turtle...

Also, the bio writer seems compelled to use the word pizza in every sentence. Actually. Seriously, take a look, the man is a loony. Gee, do you think he is hinting that the turtles like pizza or something?

Here is a study of the evolution of the turtle. What's striking is that the build of the Trek turtle is way different to that of the original. And it just shows how stupid it looks.
First Officer Donatello
The Subspace Shelled Sewer Science Officer!
Favorite Episode: "Mudd's Women"
Favorite Line: "Doctor, it is not logical to dislike pizza."
Favorite Order: Green Vegetarian Pizza

Out in space, science is really important. So of course, the U.S.S. Enterprise has the greatest science officer there is - First Officer Donatello! Born on the planet Vulcan, near the Pizza Nebula, this green-pizza-sauce-for-blood officer is void of emotions. But he plays a mean harp. Using all of his brain power to think and act only logically, First Officer Donatello never gets upset (unless someone breaks his harp). And even when the feverish Foot start to throw temper tantrums, he just fires off a few blasts from his classic subspace phaser and goes about his work. Work is very important to First Officer Donatello, it's his job to make sure all alien pizzas are safe for Mutant consumption. That's why he's never without his trusty classic sewer science tricorder. When an alien pizza has been declared safe, he contacts his emotionally driven crew mates, Captain Leonardo, Chief Engineer Michaelangelo and Chief Medical Officer Raphael, with his pure logic communicator. With his job complete, he settles down and eats his slice, all without a single hint of emotion - until, of course, Chief Engineer Michaelangelo takes the last slice!

See, pizza obsessed. I just want to cry, really, I do. Does anyone actually find this funny? What pizza sauce is used for blood? I mean come on. And where exactly is the pizza nebula?

Oh, he's supposed to be Spock if you didn't realise
Chief Engineer Michaelangeo
The Bodacious "Beam Me Up" Buddy!
Favorite Episode: "Where No Man Has Gone Before"
Favorite Line: "Capt'n! We're losin' pizzas - and I don't know why!"
Favorite Order: Extra large with anchovies

When the pizza sauce engines are overloadin' and the life support systems are down, there's only one Star Trek Turtle the Captain can count on - Chief Engineer Michaelangelo. Formerly the chief engineer on the U.S.S. Anchovy, now Michaelangelo's the Turtle tech genius aboard the famous U.S.S. Enterprise - and it's his job to keep things in one piece. He constantly monitors the taste of the engines with his Mutant engineerin' taste-testin' tricroder, one wrong ingredient and things could get very messy. And if those far flung Foot or rebel Romulans try to steal the U.S.S. Enterprse's power sauce supply, Chief Engineer Michaelangelo has the classic Foot findin' phaser that he's just itchin' to try out. And there's no match against Michaelangelo's trusty engine defendin' nebula nunchakus. But his most valuable tool is his self-designed pizzarium-powered thin crust classic communicator, which he uses to keep in constant contact with his crew mates, Captain Leonardo, First Officer Donatello and Chief Medical Officer Raphael. Michaelangelo has an innate sense of when the Captain's gonna want to push the engine past sauce factor 8!

Mike, supposed to be Scotty here, apparently 'monitors the taste of the engines'. I think he's got his job wrong. Also, I don't remember Scotty ever warning Kirk that they were losing pizzas. I guess I need to watch more Star Trek.

And past Sauce Factor 8? I sure hope he doesn't turn into a giant newt... oh wait. WHEELS WITHIN WHEELS PEOPLE

Chief Medical Officer Raphael
Pizza Healin' Doctor Dude!
Favorite Episode: "Trouble with Tribbles"
Favorite Line: "Darn it, Leonardo! I'm a doctor, not a pizza chef!"
Favorite Order: "Take two pizzas and call me in the morning."

When the crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise go into unexplored space and nosh down too many alien pizzas, it's up to Chief Medical Officer Raphael to clear the air. Using his highly sensitive Mutant medical classic tricorder, Chief Medical Officer Raphael quickly determines the state of things. Whether he's beamin' down to some unknown planet or attending some seemingly illogical ceremony on the planet Vulcan, Chief Medical Officer Raphael brings with him good common sense and a classic Foot chasin' phaser, just in case. He's also prepared with his subspace sais - there's nuthin' like these slammin' sais anywhere in the universe! And he stays in contact with Chief Engineer Michaelangelo, Captain Leonardo and First Officer Donatello with his classic medical officer's kowabunga communicator. But, moreover, Chief Medical Officer Raphael is a healer. He's taken care of his Star Trek kowabunga crew mates when they've been sick. Like the time First Officer Donatello was stranded on some desolate planet and had gone for three days without pizza. Talk about testing the limits! But after a quick medical evaluation, Chief Medical Officer Raphael was there with the remedy. All First Officer Donatello had to do was answer one quick question: thick or thin crust?

Raphael, supposed to be Doctor McCoy here, also seems to be quite bad at his job. What kind of doctor would tell you to take two pizzas as medicine (unless you are striken with anorexia, I suppose).

Anyway, that's it. I didn't write too much here, but I think it literally was just the utter shock my mind went through at seeing these... things. Why would anyone pay money for these, the sick fools...

1 comment:

  1. Holy tits, those are absolutely terrible.