Sunday, 26 October 2008

Superman vs The Evil Hitler Twins!

Some things are painful. Having a tooth extracted, being beaten by a steel bar, or introducing your genitals to a cheesegrater. But even Mr Cheesegrater is preferable to the abortion of a comic I am about to show you. The year is 1995, and someone at DC comics gets really drugged up and decides to write a very very odd story about an old Superman in a post-apocalyptic world fighting evil Hitler twins with gigantic guns. Which would be fine if the thing wasn't so po-faced and serious.

So strap yourself in for this epic masterwork. It is the far future, and Superman is currently living with androids above a nuclear-devastated world in a flying city. However the androids decide to nuke Gotham City from the air which makes Superman go all emo and fly off angrily

Now, please note Superman's uncanny resemblance to Santa at this point. The story is exponentially more exciting if you imagine Santa in Superman's place. Anyway, even though Gotham is now crawling with monstrous evil mutations, Superman doesn't want it destroyed by 'the power of the gun'. Um, no Superman, they're going to nuke it from orbit, that's a tiny little bit different from shooting a city with a .45. Semantics aside, Superman decides to go to Gotham himself.

In Gotham, Superman is immediately attacked by a bat-like creature, uttering "Bruce, is that you?" since yes, Batman is easy to mistake for an actual bat-creature. This is even less forgivable since it is revealed that Batman is long dead and Superman himself buried him. But visiting the grave alongside a gang of biking youths, Supes finds Batman's bones gone!

Exploring the Batcave, we see 'The Expunger', an hilariously gigantic gun which was part of Batman's last case. Note this gun, it will play a large part in the unfolding tale

In order to find out what's going on in Gotham, Superman and the kids travel to find the evil 'DNA Diktators' who have taken control of the city. They are attacked by mutant creatures wearing Nazi armbands, German helmets and shouting "Schnell schnell". Oddly enough this goes uncommented on by all the characters. Obviously this sort of thing is common in the future.

But lo, look who the villains are! It's really two Adolf Hitlers! Yes, one evil Hitler clone may be a cliche, but two are a science fiction epic! Please stop a while to meditate on this stupidity. Anyway Superman runs back to the Batcave and realising that he is too weak to fight the Hitler twins on his own, decides to take along the gigantic gun as an ally!

Confronting the evil Hitlers again, they explain their origins. Note the tanks behind them. Obviously the scientists who cloned them were bored in their underground bunker. So they cloned Kennedy for his leadership. Then they cloned Einstein for his genius. Elvis, over on the right was obviously cloned to entertain them. Then they thought "God, we're bored. I know, lets make clones of the most evil man who ever lived, that'd be a laugh!" It is nasty Hitler who has nicked Batman's body, so he can make the stupid bat clones. What a fiendish master plan!

The Hitlers attack Superman (I can't believe I'm typing this, then again I can't believe DC published this) and seem to not understand what bullets are called. No Hitler, they're not 'little bits of metal', they're BULLETS. It is also about this time that Superman makes the realisation that Hitler is responsible for every war ever :

"I understand now. The nations had to defend themselves... they had to build engines of destruction, in order to stop you... once the arms race started, it never stopped... more and more deadly weapons, more hatred, more killing... all because of you!"

Yes Hitler, damn you for sacking Rome, starting the Crusades and um, killing the dinosaurs.

With his last strength, Superman, um, uses his GIANT gun to shoot Double-Hitler to death. And thats it really. Superman finds the body of Batman and decides to burn it so "this won't happen again". Obviously Hitler clones are running about the future with secret bases all the time.

Of course, as a final twist, the dying Superman decides to burn himself along with Batman's body. Which I would imagine would be pretty bloody painful and more than just a bit silly.

The little kid hammers home the message by throwing his gun away. But no kid, guns didn't kill Superman, standing in a fire did! Get away from the fire!

6 comments:

  1. Classic! I love your review. This thing has scored me major points with comic geeks when I go, 'yeah well if you want to see some art that's really something, check out THIS story'.

    Or something. :<

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  2. Really, Superman looks more like Zeus, to me. That makes slightly more sense than Santa, but not really.

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  3. And this is a fine example of how the 90's almost killed comic books. :(

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  4. ... Did I miss the bit where they explained why Superman isn't bulletproof anymore?

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  5. @sapphirebreeze

    I think the sky is covered in nuclear clouds which down give Superman his powers. Which is why he needs a big ass gun and dies in a fire at the end. I still have this comic. I liked it.

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  6. man i seriously neva understood why they kept on bringin more n more issues of endless nonsense when they could've simply taken a break n given us our moments of sheer joy, this piece of shit just makes me cry in disbelief, no wonder my pals laugh at me when they find out i'm still into comics... Clones? Hitler! Big guns n who yields em, superman himself, huh comics sure wont die a natural death...

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