Tuesday, 28 October 2008

[Turtlewind] Zombie Hunting For Beginners

There's nothing more annoying than waking up one morning to find a zombie standing over your bed, murmuring something about "brains..." or other equally uninteresting subjects. Of course, any sensible person has a vial of holy water by their bedside for just this eventuality, but it's such a nuisance cleaning up the bits of dead skin from all over your room.

Obviously this isn't the most common of instances - I can count the number of times it's happened to me on the fingers of my remaining hand - but the undead threat is ever-present, wherever you are. The only solution is to strike first, and to strike hard.

So where should the budding zombie-slayer look for his targets. The obvious location, the local graveyard, is probably best avoided - every undead-hunter in town is going to be staking the place out, looking for their next frag. A far better idea is a subway tunnel, where tramps hang out - zombies there can sometimes go undetected for weeks, wrapped in a mouldy blanket and feasting on the brains of late night passers-by.

The second thing a Slayer should think about is weapons. Yes, we all know about holy water and burning pitchforks, but those are so passe these days - to get your kill-count up quickly, the modern hunter uses blast-effect weaponry like rocket launchers and proximity mines. Just make sure you're not too close before you set them off.

Fortunately, it's easy to tell a zombie from a real person - just look for the dead stare in its eyes, the voiceless murmurings and seemingly random movement. I find that principle places for zombies to congregate are nightclubs; camp the exit at around 2am and you'll easily pick off twenty or thirty of them before they start to catch on. Once they start shuffling towards you, a fast car will prove valuable - they are conveniently positioned along posh streets - you're working for the good of mankind, so nobody will object to you requisitioning one.

The life of a zombie hunter, of course, isn't without its dangers. In addition to the obvious chance of getting your brains eaten by ravening undead, there are other less obvious risks - a successful killer of zombies runs the risk off alerting more powerful undead, such as vampires and even the dreaded balrog - so always carry a couple of spare stakes around, even if you don't think you'll be needing them. Despite their unintelligent exterior, some zombies retain a shred of their old cunning, so beware of deviously positioned traps and snares. And even a small wound inflicted by zombies could prove fatal if it's not treated properly - the risk of infection is high, due to zombies' notorious bad hygiene.

Having said this, zombie hunting is an exciting and rewarding pastime; there's nothing like destroying a pack of the living dead to bring a bit of spice to your evening. Remember, even though they're dead, they will still burn.

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