Friday, 14 November 2008

Extendar - Tower of Lameness

He-Man was always a cult thing with its weird and wonderful characters, from the guy who had the head of an elephant to King Hiss, the evil king of all snakes. Who looked like Sam Neill with a giant head. There were many others that were forgotten however, such as Clamp Champ, the man whose power was... he held a weapon! And Ninjor, the fiendish... ninja. It's like they weren't trying anymore. And that's the epic background here.

Now, one of these later toys was Extendar. Someone I'd forgotten totally about until reminded by someone on the internet how much he sucks. Recently though I had all my old He-Man toys down from the attic (you'll find out why eventually) and my dad came in (since I'm home from University). He immediately walked to the box, picked out Extendar, said "cool, Extendar", and started to play with him. This was strange for two reasons - firstly my dad generally snarls at anything I have, even my crappy display of Transformers that I bravely put up on my shelf. And more importantly, I never realised that Extendar was such a cult figure that his name would still be remembered to this day by someone [EDIT] years old. It's truly a mystery. But who is Extendar, and what makes him tick?

This is Extendar. At first he may seem to be a comedy knight from a Playskool line... but look closer - he's actually a comedy knight who extends in a comedy fashion. Must be great in the bedroom, heh heh heh... He has many special features:

1 - He can extend

Okay, this is his ONLY feature. But lots of bits of his body (hur hur) extend. For example as you can see in the picture, his legs shoot up to over 1 1/3rd their previous length, by use of tiny little toothpicks. Likewise he must be the most weak-wristed person in the history of the world. Shake his hand, and he'll no longer be able to take part in his favourite hobby...

As you can see, Extendar also has an EXTENDING shield... only that the shield uncurls like a dead spider. It has one more hinge on it... unfortunately unfolding it that way makes it drag along the ground. Run villains, run!

I'm sure that having slightly long toothpick arms whilst waltzing around in gold and pearl is cool in some parts of the world. But what is Extendar's amazing power?

Yes, he is TWICE AS TALL and TWICE AS STRONG as normal men!

On the world of Eternia though, no-one is normal. Unless you count people who dress up as bees outside an Anime convention normal. Heck, even He-Man has stilts, which make him much higher. Oh, sorry, 'Heroic Stilts' as the packaging said. So Skeletor's minions wouldn't be threatened at all by someone about twice their size whom they can cripple by kicking him lightly in his wafer-thin shins. What else has he got going for him?

His strength of course - TWICE as strong as a normal man. Now, in a world where even King Randor is full of rippling muscles, this doesn't seem like a great boast to me. And what good is super(ish) strength when you're encased in heavy armour.

Extendar's armour is one of the greatest things about him, since he is... an athlete! Indeed this armour isn't a new thing since when we first meet him before he gains his 'amazing' powers, he is encased in armour as well as being called Extendar... and even he thinks he sucks.

Extendar seems to have Stupid Disease. An evil guy dressed in black who laughs shouting "AHAHAHAHA I AM EVIL" appears with a load of other blatantly evil monsters. Yes, it's Hordak, leader of the Evil Horde. Not dissuaded by the world 'Evil' which is actually a part of the Evil Horde's name, Extendar decides to go along with Hordak and get his lame powers.

...I mean dear god man, if you're going to be fooled by a man who uses words such as "Prince Oafus" in a grittily realistic fashion, then you deserve to suck.

Let's see Extendar in action then in the epic known as "Snake Attack!". The story so far - the evil Snake Men have burst into the royal throne room and kidnapped the king and queen. It's Extendar to the rescue...

Yes, I GET BIG, all right. Kinky. You can see Prince Adam on the floor, desperately trying to escape the guy who gets 'big'.

But what's this - the villains make a stupid, illogical threat (that they'll kill the people they want to take prisoner) and Extendar says "Oh. Okay then"

Yes, with slight powers comes slight responsibility.

Dammit Extendar, you suck. And I mean really suck, you big pile of wussy twice-as-tall lameness. Join Polar Claw over there in the corner

1 comment:

  1. You mean polar claw from Beast Wars? Y U hattin' ?Polar Claw isvawesome.Just cause he wasn't in the toon? He's Primals top lutenient.