Sunday, 23 November 2008

Maple Story! CC PLOX!

Sometimes I think Dante got his circles of hell wrong. He postulated that the further you go, the more horrendous the punishment, from limbo down to storms to a city of devils to boiling oil and finally in the ninth circle, the fate of being frozen alive forever, guarded by Lucifer himself. Recently however I have discovered a further circle, even deeper with an even more diabolical punishment. Sinners are chained forever to their chairs, eyes glazed over at their computer screen repeatedly tapping the enter key as they attempt to level up their dwarf, trusty bottle by their side (because going to the toilet wastes precious leveling time)

Yes, I am talking about the world of MMPORGS

For a time, my productivity had delved to an even lower level than usual (no mean feat) with my discovery of the wonderful world of online gaming. No more was I a lonely nerd sitting at my desk - I could play with other lonely nerds online and thus climb the nerd hierarchy! I caught the bug quite bad, though I did not yet become bad enough to require the wee bottle and to prevent this I've left strict instructions with my housemates to kill me if they catch me sneaking around with a bottle full of suspicious liquid.

What is this game that crippled my meager social life though? It is none other than Maple Story, a game which has many features which put it above its competitors:

1) It is free (apart from having to give them YOUR SOUL)
2) It is a 2D platformer. No struggling with a horrible interface and jaggedy, slow graphics - its SUPPOSED to be like that!
3) No skill is involved. Yes, its just button mashing. Though this seems to be too hard a concept for most of the players
Maple Story involves painful death for the most part. And snails.

The only downside is that it is not a story about maple leafs which I was lead to believe, causing much distress. But I soon got over my disappointment and got going. You play a little anime character , starting out in a t-shirt with only a trusty stick for company, and you go around hitting snails for experience and money. This is basically the entire game, only every five levels you replace 'snails' with the next toughest monster.

Snails also kill you a lot when you are low leveled. This can be quite damaging for the ego, but once you pop your head outdoors and stamp on a few snails in the garden, the bitterness soon fades (but you can't rob real life snails, there's no cash in those shells ANYWHERE, trust me)

So you're wandering about killing snails for a few hours. Is there any more to it? Of course! Once you reach lvl 8 or 10 (depending on what class you want to be) you can choose a job. Below are the types you can be!
The main melee class. Meaning you'll be smacking things with a sword for a long time. Warriors are built like tanks with high hitpoints. Which means you'll get overconfident and die a lot

- You get a sword
- Slightly more HP than the other classes
- Uuuuh...

- Potion reliant. But you will be poor and can't afford them. So you will die a lot
- Damage varies wildly. One hit you can do 10, the next 100. Well done!
- No ranged attack. While everyone else is sniping stuff from a distance, you'll walk up to the enemy, whack them for 10 damage, then get hit and die
- You will have horrible accuracy. You won't be able to hit anything. Not even if it is immobile, seven feet tall and asleep. You'll miss, trust me

If I have to explain what a Magician is, I will cry

- You get more magic points and can cast a lot of spells
- Clerics can self-heal
- You always do decent damage
- You get to wear the glorious Pink Cone Hat

- You have slightly more hp than a small ant. If something touches you, say goodbye!
- Everything is horrendously expensive
- You look like a retard and everyone will call you names. But if you're playing a game like this you will be used to such things
Archers are not a part of a bridge, they have bows or crossbows and get to shoot things

- You get to shoot arrows. ARROWS. INTO MONSTERS HEADS!
- You get to dress like Robin Hood
- You can get a goatee and run around pretending to be the Green Arrow!

- You do barely any damage
- If you get too close to monsters, you can't shoot them you can only hit them with your bow. Which does 1 damage and can't be too good for the bow

"Oh a thief, that looks pretty" is what most people say. There are two types, claw, which throw stars, and dagger, which stab people. A dagger thief is really the poor relation of a warrior. Thieves are mostly called names such as xXxNaruto56 or something

- You can uh.. dress in black and throw stars

- Stars cost a ridiculous amount of money. As in the millions.
- You drink potions like you are addicted. Say goodbye to any money you have
- You will die cold and alone

A new class. The beggar never kills anything, just wanders round doing the crying face and screaming "MESO PLOX" at anyone that moves. Eventually the beggar can level up into a marketer and make an honest living

- It is very cheap

- Get a job you hobo / student

Once you have got your job, you can take full advantage of the Maple World, there are literally hundreds of monsters that can kill you, with many amusing and frustrating ways to die. Additionally you can Party Quest, which is a special quest with a really big monster that can kill you really quickly. To do this, you get into a party with other players, then stand in a really crowded area frantically clicking on the entrance for several hours in a desperate attempt to access it (only one at a time you see, otherwise it might be fun)

At different levels you can do different quests. There are two types, missions and jump quests

A character will want you to collect certain items or kill certain monsters. At the end you will get a reward. Usually this will involve killing hundreds of monsters that you can barely touch, with the reward for all of your time and effort being an item such as a small useless twig. Wait, thats wrong. Its all of the time

Jump Quests
Jump quests are forged in the very fires of hell itself. You start at the bottom and try to jump on platforms to the top of the screen. When you get near the top you fall off and have to start again, creating a never ending cycle of torment and despair. The prizes, again, are things like a small stick for your effort.

Maple Dictionary
The players in the Maple world are not like you or me. For some reason Maple Story attracts drooling mongoloids like a fly to a bulb. Saying that they had the IQ of a glass of water would be cruel to the water, as they sit there mashing at the keyboard in a vague attempt at communication. But if you can handle the playerbase without needing to throw your PC out of the window whilst screaming "NYAAAAARGH" you'll be fine. Below is a rundown of phrases you might encounter and what they mean

PLOX - Please
MESO - The Maple Currency (10,000 meso = a chunk of your soul)
U R KING NOOB - I say good sir, you are not doing awfully well
DUN KS NOOB - Please my good fellow, do not kill the monsters I am currently engaged in slaying
CC PLOX - This channel is too small for the two of us, could you kindly relocate to a less crowded part of the server dear chap
I AM BYE 64 JANER NAKE SKINS - I desire to purchase 64 Jr Necki skins
S> KUMBI@@@@@@@@@@ -I am currently engaged in marketing this fine set of Kumbi throwing stars (it is believed that the '@@@@@@' is part of an ancient ritual designed to make the gods show favour)
TRIAN ME - Please can I leech experience off you for a sum of money (when partied, experience is shared)PARTE? - I say fine fellow, can we party and thereby share experience, oh wait I uh... have to go hang on a rope, just keep killing stuff, there's a good man
U R HAX - Oh my you seem to be breaking the rules of the game and hacking in order to level faster, you scoundrel!
FAME ME PLOX - Please sir would you raise my fame amongst the Maple crowd (If you double click on a person you can fame or defame them. When someone begs for fame they actually mean they want some delicious defame. Remember this)

Yes, there are people who actually feel the need to cheat in a childrens game where the hardest task involves how fast you can mash the 'ctrl' key. I cry at the world

As Ted Kord, I communicate with a player in his native tongue

Every monster you kill drops hard earned cash. A snail for example drops around 5 meso. Higher level items cost millions of meso, along with money you will need to pour into your potion addiction. Yes, if you like being poor, then this is the game for you! In this respect it is good training before you go to university. If only I had such knowledge before I went, I wouldn't have spent all my money on those magical beans!

Of course, there are ways of making really decent cash. Monsters can drop rare items which you can sell to players. And you can set up shops too as I have done. Above you can see me dominating the... comedy hat market. No-one makes comedy hats like me!

Things that will kill you
Oh god oh god oh god...

Maple Story has a lot of monsters that will kill you and thus lose you 10% of your precious experience, causing you to throw your monitor out the window at an hour of wasted effort. Below are just a few of the exciting creatures by whose hand you can die

Green Snail
Oh once you were so proud, now I am the king and you are the prey... Once you finish on Green Snails, you get to move on to Blue Snails. After these, you get to kill Red Snails. It is a never ending snail paradise!

Orange Mushroom
I swear, at low level, these are SATANS creatures. You hit them once, start to run away and they bounce up and down on your head until you die

Jr Necki.
You can't hit them until level 35. You need them for a level 10 quest. I HATE YOU MAPLE STORY

Iron Pig
You're happily killing normal pigs at Pig Beach, the prime pig hunting spot, then this guy pops up and decimates the entire channel, being tough enough to make every single one of your attacks miss totally. The day you can slay this beast will be a day you mark in your calendar

Hehe its a penguin riding a... oh I'm dead :(

I have been killing these guys for 15 levels. I hate them so much, unfortunately from around lvls 60-80 they are the best experience you can get. Which is VERY frustrating. Okay, the game is frustrating. But a frustrating drug, which is... annoying

Crimson Balrog
When you are on the boat to Orbis, the Crimson Balrog can appear. Most people run away and hide. What fools. Stay outside, he actually comes to give you DELICIOUS candy and presents. So while you are munching on your feast, everyone else is hiding, the silly billies.

This finishes my ever so brief look at the monsters of Maple. But remember there are many more that can pop up and kill you, don't worry!

 Summon bags can be used to summon monsters and kill people. When you do this it is hilarious. When others do this it is rude

In conclusion then, Maple Story is the perfect game for you if you enjoy mindlessly staring at a screen repeating the same simply commands whilst dealing with a never ending deluge of idiots (a bit like my last job really). It is also the ideal alternative to self-harm.

And it is more addictive than crack. Curse you internet!


  1. LMMFAO!!!

    dude, this is the most HILARIOUS ms review i have EVER read!!!


  2. haha nice, i agree totally. i killed slimes til i was level 20 and could kill pigs without dying '-.-
    but its a very.. nice review =P

  3. I read this shit hella funny sadly this was only back in like 2005-2006 now just about anyone can kill all theses monsters :/

    But was funny back in the day to think about this stuff.