Tuesday, 18 November 2008

[Turtlewind] Morning Sickness

Many have been the times where I have awoken feeling sick, retching over my pillow then going back to sleep on it. Feeling dizzy then crashing back down upon my piles of lager cans. Hopping about on one foot until I inadvertently stagger into the remains of last night’s fun, before stuffing it in a bin liner and burying it out in the garden deep so the neighbour’s dog can’t find it. Yes, I'm talking about morning sickness.

Many people foolishly believe that morning sickness is a condition only affecting women. What rubbish! My doctor, who prescribed me a week off work for morning sickness after I paid him the usual fee, told me that 12.4% of all men get morning sickness /every day/. It is just those evil feminists that try to lie and tell us otherwise.

The women pretend, in some kind of international conspiracy, that only pregnant people get it. But what about Arnie in the classic film 'Junior' then? He was male AND PREGNANT. The truth is there for all to see. It’s just another form of racism.

There are two main symptoms of morning sickness. These are:

1 - You feel sick

2 - It is the morning

The morning is generally described from the time zone 5am-11am. Any time after that, it is Afternoon Sickness unless you are a computer nerd, in which case morning can be any time from 12-7pm.

What causes such sickness then? Scientists do not know. Some theorise that it is due to having too much 'alcohol' intaken through the primary head orifice, ie the 'mouth'. Others believe it is a result of nagging wives trying to downtread the male race by shouting and tramping on our heads as we sleep. Most though believe it is the work of the dreaded Thetans, and so can only be avoided by both wearing a tin foil hat and giving money to L Ron Hubbard, leader of the Scientologists.

But what if you failed to drink only water; take 'care' of any women in your life; or just forgot your monthly cheque? There are many ways of combating morning sickness:

1 - Run around the house moaning "I'm sick, I'm so ill, you don't understand me" I often do this, and little Barry my Scorpion pal, bless his heart, flexes his sting as if he understands. It's almost like he's alive!

2 - Find someone who is feeling more ill than you and laugh at them. This usually helps. If you can't find anyone worse off, grab the first hobo you see and pour vegetable oil down their throats. You get cured and help feed them!

3 - Try gobbling your sick back up. You'd be surprised at the results! (if you thought that the results would cure you and taste delicious, that is)

I hope this article has helped to smash apart the lies brought to us by the evil Communist Nazi robot feminists, brought to England by box-train from America in 1874. We must be strong, and next time a woman moans about morning sickness at you, moan about yours back at her. She'll soon shut up!

And don’t start me on period pains…

Your friend,
Turtlewind the Green

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