Tuesday, 2 December 2008

[Turtlewind] Coming Out Of The Closet

My life used to be one hidden in shadows, crying for my sad, pathetic existence. Now of course, I have a happy life, full of sun and light and court orders. Where once there was shame, now there is brightness. Why is this? Because I came out of the closet.

Many people say that coming out of the closet is one of the hardest things they can do. I disagree. Over the years I have got much practise at this, eventually coming out of the closet in front of my family and friends, although you do have to be quite brave. There are three main steps to this process, to ensure it goes smoothly.

1 - First, you must turn around to face the closet door, not the clothes. If there are a lot of clothes in the way, pull them down. You can always tidy up afterwards. Be careful that you are facing the door, and not a magical portal to Narnia, which has happened to me often. In my head.

2 - Secondly you must make sure that the door is unlocked. If you have one of those annoying self-locking closets with doors that can only be opened from the outside, then coming out of the closet can be very hard, and so I can sympathise with those who find it hard to do. Luckily for me, my closet is really old, since I stole it from the local hospital when I 'worked' there as a 'repairman'. Well, I had the uniform at least.

3 - Lastly, you must gently push the door open and step out. At once, you will see that the world isn't just blackness, wool and fleas. No, it is full of chairs and birds. Of course, if the door is stuck, you may have to kick it down. You can always tape the door up with duct tape afterwards.

See, it's not so hard, is it. Most people like to venture into their closets to either check on their clothes, see what it's like to be blind, or just because they're gosh darn crazy. Sometimes I put Barry in the closet to show him how poor unfortunate scorpions must feel. Once he crawled into my jacket pocket, and I didn't find him again until my next important meeting, where he showed his love by repeatedly injecting his poison into my heart. The scamp.

Some people may still be unsure about coming out of the closet. Let's look at some famous people who have come out of the closet, namely that HILARIOUS chap from the Pink Panther films, Cato. Cato would regularly come out of the closet, to confront Inspector Clouseau, who would then yell "Not now Cato". So even though there was still some stigma attached to Cato coming out of the closet, especially from his peers, he would come out again and again until he finally chopped Clouseau in the neck, rendering him unconscious. A fine inspiration to anyone needing... inspiration.

I know the closet can be a warm and comfy place, much like the womb. But less messy. (Well, some are. Mine, on the other hand...). But life is more than just a closet. You must get out there and experience it all. And beside, there are lots of fine young ladies out there too. Hurray.

Your friend,
The Mysterious Mr Turtlewind, BSC

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  1. Wait. What are you trying to say. If you come out of the closet why would you go and search for some fine ladies? Omigosh. That's confusing me.

    But whatever. Lol. That was entertaining even if it got me in trouble. You're awesome.

  2. Getting people in trouble is what I live for! Glad you liked it!