Wednesday, 31 December 2008

MASK - The Secret Origin

Everyone has heard of MASK, who fought the fiendish forces of VENOM with only plastic headgear to help them... but how did it really begin? After Matt Trakker's amazing inventions were stolen by his crooked boss, Miles Mayhem? No, of course not - who would be stupid enough to work for someone with the surname "Mayhem"? The real, unedited, sordid tale, is told in it's entirety below. You have been warned.

Early one morning, Matt comes across his son, Scott, on his way to school.

MATT: Oh, my boy, my boy, my darlin' son... how are you this fine morning. Would you like a lift to school?

SCOTT: Yeah, cool daddy, cheers. Where shall I put my scooter?

MATT: Scooter? That's a robot. Ahahahaha

SCOTT: Erm... I've changed my mind. Can I walk?

SCOTT: Daddy... why are you leaning drunkenly against the car?

MATT: I'm not drunk... I'm full of power! Now I shall put on my magical mask!

SCOTT: [Giggling] Oh daddy, you know that's just a papier mache mask you got in the divorce... urk

MATT: [Kicking the ungrateful wretch to the ground] Stupid child! Now you're gonna pay, son.
BIKERS: Ahaha.. look at the poncy fool in his "magical mask" Haw haw

MATT: Right... I've had enough of this. We're off to school, son. I'll show the world that I can be a good dad!
SCOTT: Thanks dad... at least now the momentary moments of insanity are over. Did you take all those pills the doc-

MATT: Shut it and buckle in. You're gonna need to.. cos we're FLYING! WOO!

SCOTT: But daddy... just because your car has cool flip-up doors doesn't mean it can fly... I mean, the aerodynamics.. what about the Bernoulli effect...

MATT: Foolish kid. To prove it to you, I'm going to drive at full speed off this handy cliff. Near your school. Come on!

ACE: That ain't no plane...

As the wreckage cools on the insanely realistic landscape, Matt finds his way to the burnt, charred body of his son, the only person he ever loved. And I mean loved. Yes, in that way. [Calm.. this site is PG.... forget I said that]

MATT: Oh, my boy, my lovely baby boy. I'll revenge you! Damn the world! Damn my car! Damn Russia!
Falling into a well of self-pity, Matt began to degenerate. At first the descent was slow - he would rent out disgusting videos such as "XXX Dinosaurs And Their Cavewoman Slaves"; "The Erotic Adventures Of Gladstone"; and "Gobots - The Movie" But soon, after losing his job in the snowman factory, Matt found himself on the streets, and starving. Then someone gave him a McDonalds burger. Matt found himself on the streets and starving.

In desperation, he turned to whoring himself out to as many businessmen as was possible. But since this is a family site, there weren't that many. So he got very desperate...
Falling in with two sinister men, "Buddie" and "Alex," Matt was forced to do... things for money. Filthy things. But he didn't care anymore, all he wanted was to forget his troubles in a sea of deprivation, and...

...oh hell, did I just take photos of this? I'm so, so sorry. Look.. can't we just pretend that I didn't write this? People who I know could be reading. Yeah.. scrub the last couple of paragraphs, and I'll start again. But this time nicely, and kiddie-friendly, okay?
Matt became depressed after the death of his son, visiting drinking joints and backstreet abortion clinics, and all kind of other evil places, such as the Community Centre. One morning he woke up in a puddle of his own vomit to find himself lying on top of a pile of masks... his luck was about to change.

Matt put an advert in the local paper, and within seconds was met by a Max Headroom clone, who bought all Matt's masks in return for his services.
Matt made Max take out bloody, gory revenge on all those who had wronged him, chainsawing their stomachs into pulp, watching their bleeding guts spurt out, and Matt then got on his knees, licking up the life-essence...

...hell, I'm doing it again, aren't I? Look, as before, forget that. It's lack of sleep - I have no self control anymore. Calm...
Matt also made sure to buy a load of weaponry. But - and this is the important part - they weren't real guns, and killed people by turning them into blue jelly. See - I can restrain myself from real violence. The pills help greatly in this respect.
Max, as his farewell gift, gave Matt a clone-maker machine. Which made clones, surprisingly enough. Stealing a hi-tech lorry, Matt was set... for world domination! Only Miles Mayhem and his force of goodness could stop him now!

Monstrous Assaulting pSychopathic Killers

Note: Only one mask was accidently broken during the making of this story. Goddamn

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