Friday, 9 January 2009

Chase Must Die!

There are dark, fiendish creatures which lurk in the annals of Transformer history, forever at the edge of your vision, leaping in and out of sight like little pixies, or tax return forms. They look innocent enough, sure. But once you get under their shell... [shudder]

The original 2 years or so of Transformers were taken straight from Japan. Realistic vehicle modes were built, often using quality die-cast metal. But by the time of the dreaded Throttlebots it was mostly American ingenuity creating these things. Like the above cars - look at the Landrover and it's lying windscreen - it has no glass, just stickers of a scene. Unlike the other one. Why should the Landrover get special treatment, I don't know. Perhaps everyone thought he was tough-ass Brawn instead of wussy Rollbar?

But today I shall focus my irrational hatred at the guy on the left - Mr so-called Chase. At first, he looks perfectly innocent - but NO. Look... closer:
 
PROFILE OF A MORON

It's Chase, the Throttlebot. The guy with no legs and no arms. He's just a body. Oooh, Galvatron will have to SURRENDER to Prime now, won't he!

GALVATRON: MWAHAHAHA Prime, see my new recruits? Scorponok, the giant base; Sixshot with six transformations and the killer of Ultra Magnus; Duocons, with their ability to merge two vehicles into one. What do you have?

PRIME: ... The Throttlebots! Taa daa!

[Silence]

GALVATRON: Meh, you're just not trying any more, are you?

Stare... into the cruel face of evil. After 10.2 seconds on my shelf, I knew he had to go. I had to purge myself! But how to kill him? First I had to do some research... and what better place than the US G2 comic, a document in which every Transformer ever dies. The below is from the GI Joe crossover, an issue I had until my mum decided to throw it out. Grr.

Okay, so the guy in question is blatantly not Chase, but that's what he was called in the issue in question. And he's a Throttlebot, so the method applies. I wasn't a tank like Megatron, so I had to improvise with my 'cannon'...

 
Oh, look at those toned muscles... Anyway, sadly Chase did not explode into several thousand parts when I cannoned him, nor did he leave a leg behind. Actually the comic was misleading on this point, since Chase has no legs. I shall chalk my failure on this point as the lying ways of the Americans, and not the fact that I used a vacuum cleaner in lieu of a nuclear-charged railgun.

The second murder attempt involved setting Chase down in front of Neighbours and forcing him to watch an entire episode. In the shot above, that loveable rouge Dr Karl Kennedy is up to another of his wacky schemes. Sadly, Chase actually liked this, and wanted to know what will happen next with 'Joel' and 'Flick.' The fact that Chase's cranial cavity is entirely hollow is an explanation for this failure, since this fits the profile of the average Neighbours viewer

Wait, I watch Neighbours

Darnit
 
I was getting annoyed. Chase was getting cocky, mocking me with his inanimate structure. So I went for the big guns and got out the sandwich toaster. As fate would have it, he survived this onslaught, and proceeded to zoom about on the floor.

Would a hoover suck him into oblivion? Well, no, since he's too big to fit. But if one day science invented a shrinking ray, well then I'm home and dry.

 
It gets nasty now. No prisoners, no going back. Microwave, meet Chase. Chase, meet Microwave.

My microwave has a rotating glass base, giving great all-round heat spread, along with several different settings. It can even do chips. Sadly, microwaving Chase would render my microwave inoperable forever more, as well as filling the kitchen with toxic gases for a week. Could I really sacrifice such an expensive piece of machinery for some toy worth 20p?
 Muahahahahahahahaha

Chase still lived - it was time to get sneaky. The first stage of transformation is to lift the flaps.. almost like wings. Hmmm

 
DUSTY: Hey, I've just dropped by, and... is that Matt Trakker's car? Hey Matt, need any more drugs.. aha, I mean masks?

[Silence, because Chase has no eyes and no mouth]

DUSTY: Hey, wait a darned minute - you're pretending to be Matt Trakker's car! Take.. THIS

The assault was swift and brutal. Dusty took no mercy... until he got hungry and went off for more pies. So Chase still lived, mocking me with his red car-ness. I took out the final weapon...

The feet of my little sister. Surely even these unwashed monstrosities would destroy Chase after all, rotting his plastic to nothing.

It failed.
Despite my utter uselessness as an assassin, Chase did pack his bags and leave after I made several... advances on him. Victory!

4 comments:

  1. I'd gladly take Chase off your hands!
    Sure he sucks, sure he....well, sucks.

    But then again I love G1/G2 brickformers.
    Even the awful ones.

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  2. You're a bad, bad man. Searchlight says hi.

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  3. Awwwww, I like Chase.

    And *all* the Throttlebots.

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  4. How DARE you try to kill Chase, or heckle the Throttlebots. They were simply TOO AWESOME to bother transforming all the way. For shame Mr. Blueshift, for shame. :(

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