Friday, 30 January 2009

Hey - That's Not A Transformer...

As the title indicates, this article is a chance to see items of mine that aren't Transformers. Actually, that's a little bit misleading, since most things aren't Transformers. I could easily fill this page up with pictures of sticks and frogs and say "That's not a Transformer." But that would be stupid.

Despite the lure of doing something as stupid as that, I decided to do something sensible. And so I abused my new digital camera that I borrowed for the weekend, running down it's batteries and reducing it to a pile of smouldering plastic. Still, it was worth it.

Searching about in my attic (Which was insanely hot by the way) I found a lot of transforming things that were not Transformers, be they fakes or just "new original concepts, not at all jumping on the bandwagon." A lot of these guys were just interesting, so I thought it'd be good to display them. Plus I've not seen them anywhere else on the net.

Case 1 - Lion Man

The only thing I know about this toy is that it came from a supermarket, probably ASDA, after a bout of moaning. Not having any (original) Predacons in the UK, this guy looked a lot like Razorclaw, even down to the chest-mounted lion. That said, it's pretty damn nice. The front legs / arms have several joints, and though he's got no hands to speak of, he's got shovels, so he can probably dig holes. The silver packs on his arms are detachable (ie can get lost easily) and his legs actually move independently! His head's a cool purple and silver too, and the only thing that lets him down is the crap "please-break-me" plastic. Still, it's a lion. Rar!


Case 2 - "Throttle"
Is it a bike.. or a robot? surprisingly heavy, being 90% die-cast metal, it's another very nice toy. His bike mode looks insanely realistic, and though his robot mode can only do the splits, he's another one with poseable arms, and a damn cool retro look. In my games, this chap would either be Wreck-Gar or a bad guy. Because he looks mean. The transformation is nigh-on impossible - you've got to flip his arms about, pull his legs out and flip the wheels around... take a look at his back to see what I mean. Nice.


Oh, he's a Gobot...


Case 3 - Mr Crap
Just as you thought my collection was perfect, so it gets rubbish. Look, it's a blue and white and red THING. The first mode is an okay hovercraft/spaceship/pancake but the robot mode? Ack. He doesn't even have real hands or a real face. There's no effort! Oh no, the rubbish lump of plastic is going to get me! Better surrender, because those claws look mean!

I remember buying a load of these from a cheapy shop for give-away presents at one of my birthday parties. Yeah, I was the DEALER of shite like this in my childhood. I was responsible for their distribution, and should be locked up and beaten like a common criminal. There were two types, but I doubt anyone would be bothered to know that.

Oh yeah, and it has this walking motion when you pull it backwards. It just makes it look more amazingly retarded than ever.

Case 4 - The Rock Monster
Look, it's your common garden bright purple rock... or is it? Look, it's a MONSTER! How cool is that? Well, not that cool once you realise that Rock Lords are actually Go-Bots, but still...

It's a big lump of plastic. And when I say lump, I mean lump. It gains points just for its ability to kill one of your siblings with one strike, thus allowing you the "but it was only a toy, mum" excuse. Ah, those were the days...

Actual play value (apart from murder) is limited... it's mouth only moves about 1 mm... thus creating the most useless feature EVER. And it has a tail! My friend had the other Rock Lord monster, a Pterodactyl. I was jealous. He had to go...

Good old Rock Monster - he helps me out... and the police will NEVER find who did it.


 Case 5 - The Cup
Look at that... just an average McDonalds cup.. nothing special.. until IT TURNS INTO A ROBOT! I'll never drink at McDonalds again.. who knows if my coke will suddenly transform into a death-dealing robot (with a smile) who will casually break my neck. Saying that, I haven't actually been served 1 inch cups yet, but if I am...

There was also a French Fries robot and a Burger that I know of... but I'm sure there was one more. Probably a dead rat or a dirty chip, to go along with the "Maccy D" theme.

I don't know why he looks so happy though. Perhaps he likes having acidic beverages poured into him. Dirty slut.

Case 6 - Army-Man
I don't know what this is.. but I WANT to. All I can remember is that it came from somewhere stupid like Debenhams. And I wanted more. I haven't a clue why - it looks stupid - but it's small and dinky. Whilst the back is plastic, the bonnet section is metal, giving quite a nice effect. Or just being cheap. He also doesn't have hands, just a bumper. But he DOES have shades, which negates the negative effects. Another guy, as with Mr Crap, who has a pull back and go motion, but in this case we have a detachable engine that can be reattached in robot mode to make him zoom everywhere. And slam into walls.


Case 7 - Frankenstein ('s monster)
Is it an egg? No, it's Frankenstein! ('s monster). There's really not much that can be said about this guy. He's an egg-man. The transformation is complex though, and the plastic is good quality. I was going to test this out by repeatedly dropping it from a first floor window onto people's heads, but then I thought that this might not be such a good idea.

There's not much you can do with him... his arms move up and down, and his feet swivel.. but that's about it. And lets face it, what COULD you do with an egg-man? Boil him?

2/5 (Mainly for it's stupidity)

Case 8 - The HORROR

The last example in our menagerie is by far the most terrifying. For years this creature has been locked up in a secure vault.. but it has escaped! Now witness.. the HORROR
A strange vehicle is discovered in a deserted location. Finding Transformer life signs emanating from it, Optimus Prime decided to investigate... on his own. This fateful action was to spell doom for mankind, however.

Prime: I'll just see if this poor fellow is okay.. wait.. what's that noise?
[Transformation sound]
Prime: [Falling to his knees] Nooo! For the love of god, NO! A fake Optmus Prime Jumpstarter that doesn't jumpstart! It's the end of the world!

Indeed, the appearance of the fake Optimus Prime Jumpstarter that doesn't jumpstart was foretold in the book of Revelations:

And lo the serpent shall come to devour the Earth,
And the serpent shall have three eyes,
And each eye will see a new evil,
And a star shall crash from the skies,
And the name of that star shall be Wormwood.
This shall be the foretelling of the final end,
When The Four Horsemen doth rise from the flames.
And when the land is reduced to dust,
The fake Optimus Prime Jumpstarter that doesn't jumpstart will consume the world and his will shall reign eternal

Scary stuff, no?
I actually remember when I got this guy. I was dead chuffed... for some reason.

It was when I was incredibly young. I had my party round at my house and probably gave all the guests a Mr Crap toy... no wonder I don't have any friends any longer. Still, my dad had told me NOT to let all my friends into my room because stuff would get broken. So I let everyone into my room, and duly showed off my fake Optmus Prime Jumpstarter that doesn't jumpstart... and duly broke it. I was devastated. That was how messed up I was back then.


Destroy it! Destroy the evil NOW


  1. There are definatly more than two varieties of Mr. Crap, there was a jet, a car, the one you show above, and I think possibly another, different spaceship. I had one like the lion guy but with a different head, PLUS another cat-bot of a different design from the same maker(and 3 or 4 insect robots of similar make). Also has a black locomotive much like the Army Man one, with a detaching pull-back motor.

    But one of the BEST of all was an egg that transformed into a triceratops, and I know that one had other dinos/creatures available as well. Very high quality product, not like most of these crap figures.

  2. I had at least one of those Mr. Craps, but I'd probably never have thought of him again without seeing that picture. I do remember having a really dreadful transforming pen, a flat thing in red, yellow and blue that I think we got from Partners.

    I had the pterodactyl! Though this was some time after Rock Lords, er, "peaked", and were all going cheap down at Woolies. Very solidly built; still a bit hard to transform even today.

  3. I'm holding Mr Crap right now, trying to find out from whence he originally came! Any ideas, anyone?

  4. "Mr Crap" comes from McDonalds along with 3 others: a jet, a car, and a futuristic vehicle thingy. I've got all 4 of them, and "Mr Crap" is actually one of the better ones.

  5. Found more info on Mr Crap & Friends:

    They are McDonalds "Commandrons" and were sold in 1985. The 4 are Motron (car), Solardyn (Mr Crap), Velocitor (vehicle thingy) and Commander Magna (jet). You can see them all here:

  6. your number 7, I have some of it's variation, it changes into an ant! xD