Tuesday, 24 February 2009

[Turtlewind] The Erotic Turtle

A few weeks ago, I was intrigued to find pages on the internet that chronicled the chief ways in which individual scribes found themselves titillated. I was quite shocked at the brazen way in which many of these depraved writers talked so openly about their naughty-bumpy habits.

Thankfully a wandering guardian of public morals was good enough to spend a weekend moaning about all this shocking filth which he'd spent several hours seeking out and reading, and so the powers that be on this blessed epistlular forum removed all the smut so they could take it home and bash out a quick one over them in private.

But the mind of the mysterious Mr Turtlewind often moves like glacial flow - imperceptibly slowly yet with unstoppable momentum. And just a few short hours ago I woke up with wobbly knees:

'I have to write about what turns me on!' I squealed, prompting a derisive snort from the slumbering Barry. I turned from my stingy companion with a disdainful sniff and slid down the Turtlepole to compose this missive, so that any moderately attractive females reading will know how they can arrange matters so they can slide down my OWN Turtlepole...

10) Hobos (beaten or burnt)
Everyone is attracted to things that make them laugh, and the Mysterious Mr Turtlewind is no exception. In this case, at least. Hobos are very funny, because they smell of chimnies and lighter fluid. And when you add more lighter fluid and set their coats on fire - they carry on begging for several seconds in that highly amusing nasal whinge before rolling around screaming.

9) Mud wrestling
A way to a man's heart is through his stomach - and it works for women as well as for intestinal parasites! If a girl were to cook an ever-controversial mud pie for me, I'd be putty in her hands - or at least highly malleable clay! Just a little mud connoisseur's joke there, hee hee. Hee.

8) Lesbians
I am of course mysterious and knowledgeable in all sorts of arcane and esoteric fields, yet sometimes my current affairs lets me down. I had to ask my dentist what a lesbian was. He was obviously unsure himself as he went bright red, seemed to have a nasty cough for a moment and then explained that they were girls who 'liked' other girls. Which sounds great, because I like girls too, so we have something in common and therefore all lesbians will want to have naughty-bumpy with me.

7) Talking about crap
This is where I once again prove my superior esteemedness over you scum with cunning. You see, I don't really like talking about crap at all, but all girls do so they find me very attractive and become really easy, so HURRAH.

6) Stones with holes in
They might look like boring pieces of rock to most people, but a stone with a hole in it will never fail to float MY Kevin. I can't resist them, whether I'm in the garden or a restaurant, I'll snatch them up and stick my tongue through the hole. Oh yeah baby, stones with holes in are HOT...

5) Pussy!
Pussy turns me on, I love pussy. I just have to catch a glimpse of pussy to get up. Yes, I know some people not privy to my Mysterious ways would say that it's unbecoming for one such as me to keep a cuddly toy cat as a soulmate, but I can't help getting up out of bed to retrieve my cloth chum if I see it has fallen on to the floor.

4) Ruth_Cole
Ruth_Cole is a GIRL I know on the internet who turns a lot of people on, because she is female and writes on the internet, so she is probably a bit of a slut. Also, she is nice to nerds, so imagine how she will melt at the sight of the Turtle's HUGE WANG.

3) The Mysterious Mr Turtlewind
The main reason anyone writes on these sites is because they love themselves, so I have decided to come clean about the fact. So to speak. Many is the occasion when I shun Barry's prickly charms to practise my backhand volley to a montage of my esteemed articles.

2) Massage
Nothing quite like the sensual thrill you get from the prickle of dainty, well-manicured hands trailing up and down your naked oiled back. Some time I'd like to try it with the hands still attached.

1) Music
Of course, the most arousing thing in the world is coming home to a darkened house, lit only by candles, with some romantic music wafting through the room.

Helps if someone's chugging on your Patrick Stewart at the same time, mind...

So, in conclusion, now you know how to awaken the Turtle's torrent of passion. Any less esteemed writers than me with boobies and EVERYTHING now have all the facts they need to make their dreams come true...

Happy times and places
Your friend
The Mysterious Mr Turtlewind
(who chooses to remain seated for just a FEW more minutes)

Turtlewind Index

1 comment:

  1. XD that's messed up. I too enjoy lesbians.