Tuesday, 3 March 2009

[Turtlewind] Boots Lipstick no. 7

Some ruffians have accused the Turtle of not examining serious subjects! Lies! I am not only an officer and a gentleman, I am a consummate consumer, and have imparted my wisdom across many issues. There is nothing I do not know, as you will learn from my review of lipstick. Yes, LIPSTICK.

Boots No. 7 lipstick is the seventh product in the Boots lipstick range. This means that they released 6 lipsticks before that. It shows, as the lipstick is well developed, and the colour stays on for at least 23% longer than if you use Boots No. 6 lipstick.

This lipstick comes in many colours from light red to dark red, and sometimes blue, and generally goes on lips.

I have lips, and so does most people who would read this I should imagine. Lipstick can be smeared on cheeks to give a reddish healthy or 'whores' tinge for a night on the town (or the streets)

On an arbitrary scale, this lipstick rates 38.6 for colour, 9.7 for stickiness and exactly 12 for glossiness. These figures are related on the Lashram scale, which deals with the quantum fluctuations behind the interconnectedness of all things. It was calculated by an expensive computer, so don't mess.

The lipstick in question comes in a cylindrical tube of roughly 1.32 centremeters in diameter, with a standard deviation of 0.12. The length in question is approximately 8.45 centimetres, with a cap of thickness 1 mm. It is coloured... I dunno. Let's say blue?

The great thing about blue lipsticks like this is that when you're giving blowjobs to sailors, as I often like to do in my spare time, a certain amount does tend to get... er... transferred. The number of times I've managed to persuade a punter that he's got a frostbitten willy! And it means I get to add to my little trophy collection!

Sometimes lipsticks like this can be your friend, in special and intimate ways. Often I wander down to the local college and show all the students there! This lipstick can be quite messy however, so make sure to take a big pot of grease with you at all times. And a straw. One of my friends is a teacher, and he often uses this method to discipline trouble-makers.

Some of my other friends like Doctor Who, and want to mark walls with lipstick in a race memory imitation of an Australian lesbian. They are strange, and their rooms often smell like cabbage. However, if this is the use you intend for your Boots lipstick then I think it will be ideal as it does not melt easily in the event of running into Event One.

Another friend pretends he can play the guitar. He actually keeps the tip hollow, in order to conceal a gun. Anyway, he uses lipstick cases as a quasi-microphone, to imitate talent. Boots no 7, I tell him, is best. Since the lipstick is edible, it tastes DELICIOUS, and is great as a quick snack for the weary singer. Its easy application also makes it ideal for ugly singers, as they can pretend that groupies have smeared their lip juices all over various collars and other such easily marked areaas.

Have you heard about chalk circles warding off witches? Well, get into the 21st century, girl. Circles made from Boots no 7 can ward off Council Tax Inspectors and policemen. Plus, just smear it over your front door in the shape of a cross, and the Angel of the Lord will spare your first-born!

Now you've heard about the advantages of Boots No. 7 Lipstick - but what about the negatives? Well, lip chafing is up 3.4% on the previous version, and the weight is up by a whopping 52% - an average coating will increase your weight by up to 72 milligrams! If you are using this lip-stick, you're going to have to vomit up an extra couple of courses in the first year alone, and that's not even accounting for the extra mass induced by the tube - which, according to our precise measurements, has an even bigger mass increase.

The other problem is that this kind of lipstick er... glows in the dark. That's right. Just like those saucy flowers with ultra-violet patterns to attract bees, Boots no.7 acts as a huge 'Get It HERE' sign for the differently respectable elderly gentleman in duffel coat at your bus stop. So be prepared to have that little trophy knife ready as you make your way home from the lipstick shop.

As many people know, I have a pet scorpion, Barry. He's the cutest little thing, although my friends don't like him, for some reason. They cry when he stings them, the wusses. Silly Barry, the scamp. Ruffle his armour-plating. I, however, get great pleasure out of his stings, his poison forcing its way into my helpless frame... Anyway, Boots no 7 (pink variety) is GREAT for prettying up the little chappy for a night on the town!

Users with Carbonium allergies may be perturbed to know that they are at risk form the H-R Anochin extracts present in the lipstick. It has the unfortunate side-effect of causing the skin of such unfortunate people to turn a lime-green color in the affected area - anything you accidentally touch with the lipstick, even if you wipe it off. Fortunately, if you accidentally use it despite having this allergy (which also manifests itself in an adverse reaction to household plastics), a cunning idea would be to pretend it's part of a wacky Halloween disguise.

Well, there's not much more that can be said about this lipstick. It's a girls best friend - and worst nightmare! Hohoho. Just be careful not to put it near open flames - James Bond uses this as an unobtrusive, environmentally friendly substitute for C-4. Have fun, and be safe!

Your Good Friend,
The Mysterious Turtlewind, Queen of Frances. Yes. All of them.

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