Tuesday, 31 March 2009

[Turtlewind] Turtle What? Turtle If?


I have returned humans. Know me.

“WHATS”

(1.) What is the first interesting thing that you see when you look around the room?
Barry the Scorpion! My rascally little armour-plated life partner. A little older, a little frailer, but still poking venom into the feet of passing children on Dagenham High Street like the practical joker he’s always been...

(2.) What can you hear at the moment?
The wind whistling through the rafters of Turtle Grange, banging doors and windows and shrieking through the lonely dark spaces. It almost sounds like words, whispering ‘They know. Kill them all.’

(3.) What is on your computer desk?
Not a computer, unfortunately. I am still reduced to composing reviews by yelling ‘beep!’ down a telephone wire. I’ve still got that framed autograph of Harold Pinter’s willy though.

(4.) What was the last question someone asked you?
“Are you a real doctor?” It’s amazing how often people come out with that old chestnut, I thought we lived in a society of equal opportunities these days, with more emphasis on vocational qualifications. I mean, I’ve been trying to get ladies to open their shirts so I can put my hands on their boobies for TWENTY YEARS now! Surely that makes me more qualified to do so than some stripling not two months out of medical school?

(5.) What was the last question you asked someone?
“Are you a real policeman?” You see, they don’t like a taste of their own medicine!

(6.) What was the last dream you had?
I dreamed that I was a lonely delusional scamp whose pitiful existence was brightened only by occasional gun-running trips to rural Oxfordshire and dinner parties with the Beckhams. And then I went to sleep.

(7.) What is the naughtiest thing you have ever done?
Well, don’t tell anyone, but once I touched my HUGE WANG. It felt nice. Hehe. I also once kissed a girl with boobies and everything, as is chronicled elsewhere on this esteemed site.

(8.) What is the most daring thing you have ever done?
Once, I scaled a radio telescope in order to jam transmission to a satellite that was going to detonate a nuclear device in the upper atmosphere to delete the City of London’s records. Or that might have been in a film.

(9.) What is your favourite thing about yourself?
My HUGE WANG, a thing uncompromising in both its hugeness and its WANGERY. I used to get some strange looks during Show and Tell at primary school, I can tell you. Although quite why there’s a rule about the caretaker not taking part is anyone’s guess.

(10.) What is your most precious belonging?
Mr Stabby. To some he’s just an old battered coat hanger, but the Turtle loves him all the same, especially after a night on the town slashing at hobos.

(11.) What will you do once you leave the computer?
I shall go and watch Rugby. From the nearby hill with a high-powered rifle. Then I shall go and watch Coventry. We have to keep an eye on the Midlands, they’re not safe.

(12.) What is your favourite vegetable?
MUD!!! It’s a perennial crop, it grows anywhere and it tastes like yum.

(13.) What is the last thing you do before you go to bed?
Close my eyes of course. Pah, sillies.

(14.) What is the first thing you do when you get up in the morning?
I wake up screaming every morning, rip out the electrodes and sit under the tree in the garden trying to catch butterflies on my tongue.

“IFS”

(15.) If you could eat anything right now, what would it be?
Without a shadow of a doubt, Tarte A La Boue !!

(16.) If you could be any animal for a day, what would you be and why?
I would have to be Barry, then I could service the HUGE WANG in an appropriate fashion without the nasty prickling that Barry tends to indulge in.

(17.) If you could change one thing about your appearance what would it be?
I would make myself less stunningly handsome, then girls wouldn’t be so intimidated by my dashing looks and would approach me for naughty-bumpy.

(18.) If you could change one thing about your life what would it be?
I would go back to the fateful night when McDonalds cheated me of my ghostly companion and I would set things right. Without that, I could have been a happy man.

(19.) If you could change one thing about the world what would it be?
I’d wipe out boring people on websites.

(20.) If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
Posh Spice’s bottom

(21.) If I were to give you £1000 right now, what would you spend it on?
A contract on your life, as you obviously have too much money and should give it all to me.

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