Saturday, 19 December 2009

The Secret Diary of Generation 2 Jazz


The below torrid tale appeared in the TMUK: 25 Years Of Transformers magazine available at the 2009 Auto Assembly convention. It is reproduced here by kind permission of the mag's editor, Andy Turnbull. Pictures are by the wonderful and crazy Ari.

March 2nd 1993
After years of peace, our worst nightmare has come true - Megatron has returned!

It was another quiet day on Cybertron. The Last Autobot was telling us about the time he scored the winning goal in the 1966 World Cup (he is such a liar) and Hot Rod wouldn't leave that Primus-damned noisy Cybernet space cube alone. Just as I was about to insert the space cube into Hot Rod in a new and exciting way, the alarms sounded. It seems Megatron survived the destruction of the Ark, and teamed up with a ruthless terrorist organisation named COBRA. Luckily another ruthless terrorist organisation known as GI Joe was on hand to feed us intel from the scene.

Megatron is now a sweet green tank. He's painted his face purple and shouts 'Megatron Attack!' a lot.

Since the end of the war, Optimus had been much less visible, retiring to a life of peace and calm. When he saw the reports however, he grew agitated, jumping up and down and demanding his own voice unit. I think he may currently be painting his trailer black. An elite team has been dispatched to take out Megatron.
 autobotzattack

March 5th 1993
It was a mistake to let Prime pick the elite team. I should have double-checked. Turns out that he picked the names out of a hat, and so a squad comprising of minibots, cassettes and Throttlebots were sent to take on the most dangerous being in the universe. They were led by Hot Spot who, I'm told, declined to take any guns because 'they would send the wrong message'.

Megatron was kind enough to send back Hot Spot's head. I am using it as a paper weight.

Optimus Prime wasn't too bothered about the failure of the mission when I announced it to him. He was too busy showing off his black trailer to all the femme bots. He's built himself a huge black and chrome backpack too which shouts "AUTOBOTS ATTACK!" for him. Tomorrow we rendezvous with Grimlock to sort out this menace once and for all.


March 12th 1993
How cool is Grimlock! He's only gone and blinged out his squad. There's colours everywhere. Blaster and I were really impressed, but I think it upset Prime since his emo trailer was overshadowed. He has ordered the upgrading of all Autobot designs for a fashion show contest with Grimlock's team. It won't work though; Grimlock has Tracks on his side.


March 13th 1993
As expected, we were devastated in the fashion show contest. Sideswipe was a big suck-up and painted himself black too. Prime's main entry was the Aerialbots whom he had painted in various colours. Slingshot was particularly impressive because he was solid gold. I did ask him if that was impenetrable electrum coating, but the small movement of my breath on the air molecules around him caused him to shear in half and crumble to golden dust. So no, I guess it wasn't electrum.

I took the opportunity to change the number '4' on my chest to a number '1' since I am a winner! Prime then informed me that the number actually refers to my pay grade, and that he was powerless to stop HR from downgrading me accordingly. Slag.

Grimlock then wheeled out Bumblebee and Cliffjumper. Who were chromed. Damn that Dinobot.

It later transpired that it was not in fact Cliffjumper, but Hubcap, who had sunk to a new low and stolen Cliffjumper's shiny red armor. We found Cliffjumper’s skinned body later, stuffed into a storage locker and sobbing.

We all had a good laugh about it and got very drunk on energon.


April 4th 1993
Oh slag! We forgot about Megatron!
ILLEST

April 29th 1993
It turns out whilst we were playing about in space, Megatron had consolidated his position in the Deceptions and moved to take over Earth. The Autobots, naturally, moved to stop him.

Prime was first into the battle zone. He said it was because he was the leader, but really it was because he wanted to show off his new sound box. The Decepticons just laughed at him however - Starscream and Ramjet had both got themselves sound boxes too - only theirs were also tanks. We stood no chance.

Inferno was the first to fall. Some say it was a mistake to replace his laser rifle with a small pump-action water pistol. It was how he would have wanted to go though, pumping furiously as a small dribble of water splattered over the ground, just as Megatron beat his head in with an office building.
We were outmanned and outgunned, but we still thought we could persevere until Bruticus formed.

The Aerialbots were instantly sent blind from the veritable smorgasbord of neon colours that emanated from that gaudy goliath. Prime had the remainder of the forces retreat, and posted a 'sorry' note to Earth government's Facebook page. As we withdrew from battle, the Decepticons could be heard rapping about how their weapons were 'the illest'.

It is not over though - it is never over! We just got a shipment of LEDs and colour-changing paint. The fight back begins here!

4 comments:

  1. Nice to see an update from you! This is funny!

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  2. Nice, I liked that very much. It was funny. But howcome there hasn't been any updates from you in ages?

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  3. Man, that is so crap. there was no facebook in 1993 >:/

    Seriously though this kicked butt, you should do more in this style! Perhaps a spoof of RiD or the films from one of the character's POV

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  4. I looooove my G2 Jazz!

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