Tuesday, 23 June 2015

[Fiction] The Secret of Soylent Green

Sure, there were some Social Justice Warriors who moaned about how pulping down people into some sort of green paste for human consumption was somehow 'unethical', but Soylent Green was just so delicious and cheap, it was hard to actually care. I mean, it's probably hypocritical of me - I'm against turning people into paste as much as the next prole, and I suppose if I had to mush people up into tiny pots then I wouldn't want to eat it...

...But if God didn't want us to eat mushed up people, then he wouldn't have made us so delicious, that's all I'm saying. I might sign a few petitions, but you look at those non Soylent-eating people and wonder how they can get all their essential vitamins and minerals. After all, if not from people, then where?

So there I was, wandering down the street, sucking on a delicious cup of Soylent Green when I was stopped by a market researcher. She asked me for a moment of my time, and having nothing else to do, I agreed.

"It's for testing a new range of Soylent Green!" she said.

My eyes lit up. "Oh great!" I replied. "Is it like that limited edition 'Terrorist' flavour? I felt an extra sense of justice and freedom every time I ate that!"

She stared at me for a moment, before passing me a green pot with a spoon in it. "No." She just shook her head. "Now, taste it and tell me what you think."

I put the spoon in my mouth and greedily swooshed the paste about. "Mmmm!" I mumbled. "I'm getting... hmm. Is it orphan? Foreigner?" I narrowed my eyes. "It isn't zero calories, is it? I've got to watch my sugars, make sure they don't get too low..."

"But does it taste like Soylent?" she asked.

"Of course!" I took another long taste. "Go on, what is it? I bet I can taste some hobo in there, is that the secret ingredient?"

"Ha!" The researcher laughed. "No, no! It's a new recipe. We're going to call it New Soylent. After all the resistance from pressure groups, we've made a version that tastes identical, but..."

My face fell and I felt queasy as she continued to speak.

"...it's made from soy! No mashed up people at all. It's just generically modified to..."

"GENETICALLY MODIFIED?" I threw up violently, and crushed the cup in my hand, dashing it to the ground. "Are you trying to murder me? That's unethical! Immoral! You sick monster!"

She looked genuinely shocked. "No, it's not like that at all. It is safe and tested and far better than mashing people into..."

"SICKO!" I pointed at her, yelling as loud as I could. All around me in the street, people stopped eating their delicious pots of Soylent to stare. "THINK OF THE CHILDREN! SHE'S TRYING TO POISON US WITH GENETICALLY MODIFIED SOY!"

The crowd closed in on the terrified researcher. As her screams filled my ears, I sat down and sighed in relief, taking another mouthful of proper - MORAL - Soylent Green.

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