Thursday, 30 July 2015

Doctor Who Candy Cigarette Cards - Dr Who Endorses Suicide Bombing (And Smoking)

When last we left Dr Who in the adventures depicted by his healthy and child-friendly candy cigarettes from 1964, he had fought against the evil alliance of Dalek and Voord and watched as the Daleks overdosed on mushrooms. That was only half of his adventures though, what excitement will cards 26-50 bring?

Our story begins as a lone Dalek is discovered near Earth. Is he on a mission of galactic conquest? No - for he is on a very special mission - bringing a message to Dr Who to beg for his help! Dr Who and his new Dalek friend fly off to Skaro (after making sure that the Dalek is properly strapped in) to save the Daleks!

They are promptly shot down by some other Daleks who have failed to read their memos this morning and crash in a swamp full of monsters (straight out of the Dalek Book... again, the text is clearly just the artist instructions printed verbatim). Thankfully the Dalek Emperor sends a rescue team to bring Dr Who in.

The Emperor informs Dr Who of his problem. The Daleks have built a "super machine brain that is greater than anything devised in the whole universe". Unfortunately it has gone rogue. Why is this a problem?

Why, because the Daleks decided to have it produce Neutronium ("the most dangerous nuclear substance) before the machine brain decided to murder all the Dalek scientists and set itself about destroying the planet.

Frankly, the asshole Daleks get what they deserve, but there's a twist - if Skaro blows up it will "release enormous clouds of radioactive dust that may reach Earth and destroy human life." From this we learn that Skaro is approximately as close to the Earth as the Moon is. No wonder they keep invading Earth. Obviously the only reason they wanted to give the Earth engines in 'Dalek Invasion of Earth' was to steer it out of their neighbourhood!

The machine brain starts lasering Daleks, and the Dalek Emperor mentions that "the scientists who built it also incorporated death rays into it." Sigh. Asshole Daleks. Dr Who and the Dalek Emperor discuss this little problem, but Dr Who doesn't look too concerned. He's probably just thinking about how the asshole Daleks are getting everything coming to them. Still, there's a planet to save, and Dr Who is on point! Never cruel, never cowardly, never carries a gun...

...Oh. "Tardis Akbar," I guess. Wow, that got dark quick. Rather than talk to the machine brain and ask it politely to stop, Dr Who orders the Daleks to carry out suicide bombings on the machine brain. The suicide bombings don't work though, so perhaps there is a moral in this after all (either 'Suicide bombs don't work' or 'Don't listen to Dr Who, he is a terrorist')

As the smoke clears, the machine brain is totally untouched. It is at this point that the Dalek Emperor mentions that the machine is "made of a new metal they had been experimenting with" that renders it impervious to anything but atomic weapons. Asshole Daleks.

Dr Who decides that enough is enough and marches up to the machine brain himself. The machine brain promptly lasers him.

Dr Who is unaffected though, and finds the big lever which shuts the machine off! As the previous set of cigarette cards showed, Dr Who is really good at pulling big levers.

Dr Who has saved the Daleks! Hurray! The Daleks have a feast in his honour and Dr Who explains that he survived as the death ray only affected Daleks, not humans from Earth.  Or... Dr Who, I guess.

Dr Who is now a Dalek hero, having saved their planet and proved his worth by organising mass suicide bombings. I dread to think what a Dalek feast serves - probably candy cigarettes - but I'm sure that Dr Who and his new best friends will use the time to plot their next galactic conquest!


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