Who is the mysterious Mr Turtlewind? Mortals like you and I are not equipped to fully understand the extent of his majesty, and yet here he is anyway. Mr Turtlewind lives in Turtle Grange with his scampish pal Barry the Scorpion, and dispenses wit and wisdom to all that come his way. He doesn't own an internet connection, but he can still post by shouting "BEEP" loudly down the phone. Do you need dating advice? Recipes for Tarte a la Boue? Dire warnings about empty tin cans? Mr Turtlewind is here for you!

In reality, Mr Turtlewind was a series of articles me and my friend Andy wrote for the review website Ciao starting way back in the space year of 2002. This was mostly a website where serious people posted serious articles, so the sudden intrusion of Mr Turtlewind caused a bit of a Turtle-Storm. Those were the days! This is a collection of most of the Turtlewind posts, with the exception of some which were boring or unfunny (or that just got lost to history). Before people get angry, yes they are clearly all satire. Sadly I have fallen out of touch with Andy, but he did say I could post them (yes you did Andy, it was around ten years ago though) Andy, if you are still alive, let us write the upcoming classic "Year of the Turtle." But until then, I give you the wit and wisdom of the irrepressable Mr Turtlewind!

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